these hands made of splinters

I can't quite pin why I only care to share my life in a general nutshell in this thing. I know I would benefit more from actually expressing ideas and experiences and elaborating on my thoughts. It would certainly help the mental clutter.

Lately things have been on a bit of a downslope, and it was really starting to wear on me. I was spreading myself too thin, and even trying to look at the bright side just gave me a headache. I'm glad to say, vaguely enough, that the course of things seems to have taken a turn for the (much) better. I'll keep my mouth closed and my fingers crossed, and do my best to maintain this current high.

brice is hooommmeeeee :]

ever since he got back things have been getting better.
it's definitely nice sleeping next to him every night again :]
totally into the cuddles and kisses.

my $100 reward card for signing a lease with my apartment complex is finally coming! i got my mail out confirmation yesterday, so i'm hoping it'll be here soon. they always say 7-10 days, but i've noticed that any mail i expect comes within three.

i just can't wait for things to get a little more stable so we can get a puppy.

if this is happening...
then it's just like the last time.

Hearing you say that I'm the only one you want to be with when you get out was all I needed.
Things will be better. I promise.

I had visitation with Brice today. It sucks looking at him through a box and not being able to actually look into each other's eyes because of weird camera angles, but I was so glad to actually see him. He looks so fucking goooooood even in those orange scrub-like jail clothes. This is the longest we've gone without seeing each other in like... 2 years. I got dressed up the way he likes, but I was nervous because I am pretty sleep deprived and stressed. Hearing him tell me how good I look even though he could only see me from the chest up took care of that real quick, though. I couldn't stop smiling, I had butterflies, all that gay shit. He makes me really happy. I'm glad we got to talk about things, and that we got more than just 15 minutes. Seeing him smile and laugh made my week.

Because of my visit with him, I spent the rest of the day in an awesome mood. I even got new sheets for our bed.

I think it's time for a lilbitta green and some Wayne's World. Gooooooood evening :]

brice just needs to get into gen pop so that i can go visit him. he wrote blaine and i letters, i have to go get them from hillary later since they should be there today. talking to him... it's still bittersweet. i've been saying that since he's been able to call me, but it never gets any easier. he sounds so calm, but i know he's hating it. he said some sweet things the other night that were comforting and reassuring, i just wish that he was home.

alexa and i fixed up the house a little bit more. we made it a lot roomier, switched my big fat tv with her big skinny flat screen, adjusted the couches so that there could be more leg space in the living room. we moved the big table out into the storage unit and set up smoking room pt. 2, which consists of the same two chairs, ottoman, and little wicker table set up almost just like it was in chatham. since we moved the long couch about a foot closer to mine and brice's bedroom door, we moved the bookcase from right next to the door to the space between the end of the couch and the sliding glass door. it elongated the living room and definitely made it more spacious.

brittany jean has stayed with me almost every night since brice has been gone, she rules. she's definitely gone out of her way to be here for me.


edit, 8:05 pm-
I just picked up my letter from Brice's mom's. I didn't even wait til I was home to read it, I sat right there in the car in the driveway. I cried my eyes out. I'm still crying a little bit. The things he said were so fucking sweet and heartfelt and I miss him so fucking much. His letter really reminded me how much he truly does love and care about me. I hate that this is happening and I can't do anything more about it.

what a day.

+bedroom is mostly done
-still want ikea end tables
-still need a job
-33rd stint pt. 2 :[
+alexa and brittany jean have been staying over and keeping me company.
+i am the wii bowling champion

there's the most general recent chain of events, i suppose.

uuuggghhh i'm hungry

This past Saturday was my big brother's wedding. Brice and I took Blaine with us down to Melbourne, thankfully we made it in time. The ceremony was cute, BJ was so happy :]
Brice and I matched and were super adorable, I'll have to get pictures from someone. We (read: i) got a little drunk thanks to Caitlin, some wine, and a little game called Champagne Clean Up. Berto and Laura both gave lovely speeches. Homeless Ben puked all over the men's bathroom and then proceeded to hit on my hot (and married) cousin from Seattle. Oh, Ben.

Last night was my dad's last night in town, so Brice and I went over to hang out with him in Titusville. I'm so glad he and Brice got along so well :]

This is my last week working in Vero. I'm so overjoyed and so scared, but mostly I'm relieved. It will be so nice to finally have the time to put into the relationship and the apartment and my education. Speaking of education, I have settled on a major and could not be any happier. I feel like I've finally found exactly what I want to do and it feels so comfortable and right. I'm going to be starting school in January to become (drum roll please...) an elementary school art teacher. It combines three things I happen to be very good with: art, kids, and instructing. I'm so excited about it.

Life has been one hell of a ride lately, but luckily I have Brice by my side keeping me strong and happy.

Yesterday on my way to work, I was just cruising along southbound 95 minding my own business. Suddenly, there's a giant white Enterprise van on my ass for absolutely no reason. I apply my brakes lightly as to give myself some room to get behind the dude in the right lane, and signal to move over to let the van pass. No such luck, as the man driving the van decided to stop me from doing that by pulling up alongside me behind the other dude and flipping me off. I flipped him off in return, and he tried to run me off the road into the median. Instead of running me off the road, he actually hit the back end of my car and caused me to spin out in the middle of the highway, then sent me shooting off into the dense (and very wet) shrubbery and trees on the side. The man in the van continued on his journey (at like 100+ mph). My car came within inches of hitting a pretty big tree head on, the sheriff said I was lucky to be alive and he had no idea how I managed to miss it. However, my cute little Jetta was dead; squished between some trees and thickets of whatever the fuck makes up the vegetation on I-95. Thankfully, two older men saw the whole ordeal, stopped to look for me (I was a good 100-150 feet into the brush, you couldn't see the car from the road) and help me out. Unfortunately, nobody got the van's tag number. Within literally two minutes an officer was there to help me, and then about five minutes later the ambulance and fire truck arrived. The two gentlemen gave statements and it was decided that the fault of the accident was solely the other driver's. My arms are all sliced up, bruised, and swollen in some places, my head is a mess of bumps and bruises, and the stiffness in my neck is not unlike rigor mortis.

Pissed off doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

I've never been on a cruise in my life. I always thought they were an unnecessary luxury vacation that I didn't need to experience. Because my family wasn't the richest family, we never really got the chance to go on one anyway. I was totally content with that. My brother's wedding gift from my mom is a cruise. I expressed playful (and totally sarcastic) jealousy.

So my mom called me yesterday to tell me that she and I will be going on a cruise to the Bahamas. It might be this weekend, it might be next weekend, who knows. I'm hoping it's this weekend though, so that I can be entertained while Brice is on his trip to Texas.

Speaking of Brice... things are still getting better :] New promises, progress, certain people still sucking... not to mention we're sleeping way better now that he took apart the bed frame and we set the box spring and mattress flat on the floor. The bed feels brand new, so we wake up rested and not grumpy anymore. This also happens to make the side tables we're getting from Ikea way more fitting, since the bed is lower and will now probably be almost even with the height of the tables. Win. We got to spend some time relaxing at home yesterday, for once we had the apartment to ourselves for a while! It was really nice. I can't believe I still haven't taken the time to set up our bedroom yet. I feel so overwhelmed with people over 25/8 when I'm home that I feel like I should be entertaining instead of cleaning up our room. It's a fucking disaster area in there. However, I'm finally setting aside some time to get it done. It will be awesome. I'm gonna get new bed sheets from K-Mart, they have 350ct full sheet sets in moss green for like $6. Fuck yeah. The side tables we're getting from Ikea are like $7 per table. Among a few other decorative additions, these are the ones I'm happiest about so far.

Now all I need is a job back in Winter Springs and life will be pretty much set :]

I just want it to be cold, and to have the things and people I deserve.

I've done so much. I've been through hell and back. I still continue to do much more than is fair to me. It's proving to be an unnecessarily unfair cycle.
This journey, winding and long, has been full of smoke and mirrors.
I don't want a fun-house in some shady carnival.
I don't want a gutted, charred frame of a home where each step might land me in the basement.
I want a wide, open lea of long grass and chamomile. No secrets, no hiding.

Why is honesty such a hard thing for some people? Decency is as valuable as gold but as scarce as free money. Disregard and disrespect run rampant among my peers, infecting so easily and spreading like hot butter on a toasted roll.

Your ignorance may be bliss, but please believe it is only temporary. It will end in hell, and I will make sure of it.

My gut has never failed me before, and it hasn't this time. It never fails.

No matter what, I will always find out the truth. Never doubt that.

last week brice and i stayed up all night, got bk breakfast, and watched the sunrise at lake monroe. it was really nice :] i love him

every morning i have to leave is fucking lame. i hate disturbing brice's sleep because i have to get up and go, and i hate that after i leave he can't sleep for much longer. every time the alarm goes off, i set it to a later time just so we can lay together and sleep a little longer, and i always end up leaving at the last minute. this morning was particularly bummy. even after i finally got up and started getting ready, i kept going back to the bed for kisses and to just lay with him. we must have said "i love you" like 5 times. he said it again as i was walking out the front door and it made leaving that much lamer.

i'm on the verge of having a new job, and i'm so excited about it. whatever i end up doing, i'm just going to be glad to have a job where i don't have to leave town every week.
i'm so tired of that same old, long ass god damned drive. i'm so tired of being gone for days at a time.

ever since the move back things have been getting better, though. people are always over hanging out, i feel happy to be home again. we live in a pretty nice place.

work is weird. my patient is on her yearly downslope. i didn't really expect this kind of drain, but working with an alzheimer's patient is a challenge. it can be pretty stressful. i hope that when i leave, she'll get another nurse who truly does care about her and her well being, fits of strangeness and all.

funny story. every time brice and i move into a new place, we always end up spending the first night with no furniture smoking green like chimneys in the living room. it's become like a ritual.

i can't wait for the cold weather to come so we can make use of our sweet fireplace :] i'm so excited.

we rent the truck and move everything up tomorrow. this is gonna be a stressful 24 hours, but it's going to be so worth it.

i'm haaappy :]

In a nutshell: got a place in Winter Springs (theparkatlaureloaks.com), AND I got them to approve my application the same day I turned it in (yesterday). There's a fucking fireplace in the apartment. I'm psyched. There's also a sauna, two pools, a coffee bar with free wi-fi (fuck YES), and a slew of other tight amenities. Came up to sign everything today and chill for Brice's birthday. We get a truck and move our shit up on Saturday.

This just goes to show you that if you work hard enough, you get shit done. Clearly, I got shit done. I found this place online Tuesday morning, applied, got approved, and now I'm getting a $100 visa gift card from Rent.com for finding the apartment through them and signing a lease. Sweet. I'm the man.

My fourth of July fucking sucked. First I was coughing up blood, then I was throwing up blood, and those things coupled with a few other gross and unmentionable symptoms necessitated my admittance into the hospital.

So instead of watching fireworks or doing anything interesting... I was hooked up to my IV in room 17 of the emergency room. They pumped me full of liquid phenergan, which felt like ice water in my veins, but had pretty interesting effects.

Anyway, so I'm supposed to go back to the hospital tomorrow for more tests, but instead I have to work. Fuck the bleeding holes in my stomach and all the shit I'm hacking up, right?

Meredith came over yesterday and babied me for a while. She was sweet enough to get me super baked and order me pizza and garlic knots :] Best sister evar.

OK time for me to pass out again.

Way to make yourselves even more obvious. You're so unbelievably naive. I'm going to thoroughly enjoy every second that I'm beating the shit out of you.

It's raining. I'm at work. I'm bored because my patient is watching tennis.

( Rando pictures from the past 129837 years )

God damned little twelve year old skanks and how they think they're getting away with somethin'...

Jail? Pish posh! Exercise, free food, no rent. Please, annoy me more.